Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
