I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
