Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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