fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
