jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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