a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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