you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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