I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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