thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
