OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
