You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
