I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up under a house in Key West
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