did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
