My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
