I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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