Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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