I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
