He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
