I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
