This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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