when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
