Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
