Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Your penis caused this!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
