Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
