I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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