i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
