Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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