whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
3 2 1 whiskey
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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