life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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