im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
