I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I look better un-naked...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
