Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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