Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
