You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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