Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize