omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
