I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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