we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
