Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You're like the curious george of whores
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
