Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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