I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
