can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
