I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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