I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
