i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
