You can't special order awesome
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
