I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
