Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
