Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
