So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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