I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
