I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
