Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
